To the Christian Woman Struggling With Mental Health

The message I gave to the women of my generation at a retreat summer of 2023.

I want to start this off with a confession, actually. When Lily asked me to help co-plan & lead this retreat back in February or March, I was in a much different headspace than where I am now. I have struggled with mental health, specifically anxiety & depression for most of my life, ever since I was a little girl. In fact, I can remember that day in fourth grade when I first felt “anxiety”. I didn’t even know what it was that I was experiencing, but I do remember that my mom dropped me off at school one day and it was gym day. I panicked because I had forgotten my sneakers which would get me in trouble. For Goody Two Shoes little 10-year-old Julia, this was terrifying. My mom promised she would run home and get them and drop them off at the office for me. I remember my first thought was, “Oh my gosh, what if my mom gets in a car accident and dies on the way to drop off my shoes and then it’s all my fault that she’s dead and I have to grow up without a mother and Dad and Joey will hate me… it went on and on.” I had never in my life had thoughts like that before and unfortunately, after that day, I would no longer know what it was like to live a life without severe anxiety and depression.

10-year-old Julia would eventually remember some repressed trauma that contributed to this anxiety and would spend the rest of her life trying to heal. All that to say, depression and anxiety have unfortunately but truly become a constant in my life, though as time goes on, I learn how to better tolerate it. It comes in waves. So 6 months ago when I talked to Lily about putting together this retreat, I was not in that dark place of currently grappling with anxiety and depression. In fact, I had felt like I was actually better, like it wouldn’t come back again. I even talked to my doctor and started the process of getting off of my anti-depressants. That’s when the panic attacks started to hit again.

I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced what it’s like to have a panic attack. If you haven’t praise God. If you have, praise God that you’re here today. It feels like you’re trying to swallow a handful of rocks as your throat gets tighter. It feels like you can’t breathe and your heart can’t pump blood fast enough through your body. Your chest tightens up and you want to crawl out of your skin. In most cases, your uncontrollably crying and shaking. In this moment, it literally feels like you’re fighting to stay alive. And in most cases, you don’t even know why you’re this way.

That’s been my reality these past few weeks. And instead of turning to God in these moments, I turn to distractions or “quick fixes” like a few drinks or my phone or shopping or a comfort food – anything to make me feel something else than what I am in that moment. I have been in the word, and I have been in prayer. But to be honest, I feel like I’m just going through the motions most of the time. I have a lot of guilt and shame that I am trying to work through, and a lot of habits I am trying to change, but it often feels like when I finally take one step forward I do something to take me two steps back again.

When I asked Lily if there were any certain topics she wanted me to speak on 6 months ago, of course, mental health was one of them. I was like “Oh great – I got this in the bag. I’ve experienced anxiety and depression and have come out on the other side. I can help people do the same.” But now that I’m here again, it would feel wrong to tell you that I know the solution. It feels wrong to tell you to just trust in the Lord and let the rest go because I can’t even do that myself. What I can do, is walk through whatever you’re going through with you and have an honest conversation about what I’m learning.

So, I’d like to start with one of my favorite passages of scripture. Psalm 139. I want us to remember the character of David as we read this. David is possibly my favorite person in the Bible (besides Jesus, of course). David was a man after God’s own heart. God chose him from the beginning to do great things for him. Starting as a meek shepherd boy, he would become the King of Israel. But David would struggle with some serious sins. He would go on to impregnate another man’s wife and have that man killed. He committed two of what seems like the greatest sins: murder and adultery. He would spend the rest of his life regretting what he had done and grappling with his character – as evident in the psalms he writes.

I’ve always related to David. David was an emotional dude, David struggled to understand his own thoughts and actions. I do too. And maybe I haven’t committed murder, but I’ve done and I do things that I know will break the Lord’s heart. Because of my own brokenness, I do things to seriously hurt other people. I do things that I know I shouldn’t as a way to escape from and cope with my own miserable thoughts. I have some deep regrets. Yet David was still “a man after God’s own heart,” and I believe that the Lord hasn't given up on me either.

So, let’s read Psalm 139.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

12 even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you.

19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

O men of blood, depart from me!

20 They speak against you with malicious intent;

your enemies take your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?

And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

22 I hate them with complete hatred;

I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

There are a few things I want to point out and reflect on from this passage:

The first is that the Lord knows us. What a simple truth, but how often do we forget that he really knows us – better than we even know ourselves? He understands our thoughts even when we don’t, even before we think them. He “comprehends” our path – he makes sense of our actions and understands why we do the things we do even when we don’t. Why? Because the Lord looks at the heart. Back in 1 Samuel 16 when God sent Samuel to find the King God had pre-ordained (who would be David), the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

How amazing is our God? When all the world sees is a weak and broken girl, God sees a daughter of the king, heir to the throne. When all that people see is the terrible “un-Christian-like” thing that you did or said, the Lord sees your heart – he knows and understands what got you to that point. Fast-forward to verse 23 of Psalm 139, David references this. He says “Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties.” David invites the Lord in. He says, “Look deep inside me to the depths of my heart, the darkest, purest, and most vulnerable part of me.” This is not an excuse to do whatever you want because the Lord sees you and knows you and is quick to forgive. Let us not forget the following verse, “And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” David invites the Lord to call him out, to expose the darkness. May we be daughters who invite the Lord into our hearts, into the most intimate parts of us, the parts we don’t let anyone else see – and beg him to expose any wickedness we’ve allowed ourselves to become apathetic towards. Let us always be open to the refiner's fire – it may hurt, it may be ugly, but it is the way to the everlasting.

So don’t be afraid to ask the Lord the hard questions. Don’t be afraid to go to him because he already knows. He knew that thought before you even had it. Don’t be afraid to go to him not only with your sin and wickedness, but with any anger, disappointment, or confusion you may have towards him. I remember how freeing it felt the first time someone gave me permission to go to God and admit to him that I am afraid he will disappoint me. I knew I had absolutely no right to feel like I could be disappointed by God. But God honored me for coming to his throne with boldness. He told me he already knew. Being honest about yourself to God is how you grow into a deeper, more intimate relationship with him. Go to him with your shame, with your guilt, and receive his love. Allow yourself the permission to receive his love even when you feel like you don’t deserve it. And allow this love to transform the way that you act, think, speak, and are in relationship to others.

Something that I’ve always missed when reading this passage is that second part of verse nine. “If I make my bed in hell, behold, you are there.” When we say sin separates us from God, it’s not because God is turned off by your sin and can’t bear to be near you. It’s because we separate ourselves – God is always there. You can’t flee his presence. The word “hell” was translated from Sheol – One source explains, “Sheol in the Hebrew Bible is a place of still darkness which lies after death.” Even when you make your bed in the darkness, in the wicked places – even when your pain is as deep as the grave, the Lord is there. Let us not forget that the Lord commanded Hosea to go to the most despicable, wicked places to get back his wife, Gomer who left him to go back to prostitution. Gomer is you. Gomer is me. God sent his son to go to the most despicable places to get us back. Let us not forget that. Let us receive his love.

The second thing I want to point out from this passage comes from verses 17-18.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you.

His thoughts are precious to you. He is in love with you, enthralled with you. Your brain couldnt even comput the amount of times he thinks of you. It is more than the number of sand. Even when we don’t deserve it, he is kind to us.

I want to show you something really cool about the kindness of Christ. Luke 22:55-62 says,

55 And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them. 56 Then a servant girl, seeing him as he sat in the light and looking closely at him, said, “This man also was with him.” 57 But he denied it, saying, “Woman, I do not know him.” 58 And a little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” But Peter said, “Man, I am not.” 59 And after an interval of about an hour still another insisted, saying, “Certainly this man also was with him, for he too is a Galilean.” 60 But Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are talking about.” And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. 61 And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of the Lord, how he had said to him, “Before the rooster crows today, you will deny me three times.” 62 And he went out and wept bitterly.

Peter is another one of my favorite people in the Bible. I know, I have a lot of favorites. Like Peter, I can be cruel to the people I love. I say things without realizing the weight of them. I do things I promised I would never do and don’t even undersand why I do them or why I can’t stop myself. Peter was a man who walked with Jesus, witnessed his love, compassion, and miracles first hand. Peter was Jesus’ buddy. And he did the worst thing he possibly could ever do. He denied knowing Jesus three times, denied believing in him. When the rooster crowed and Peter finally realized what he had done, he wept bitterly. It killed him. He did the thing he told Jesus he would never do. He would live the rest of his life with the regret and shame of it while his best friend and savor was dying for him on the cross. Can you imagine the inner turmoil Peter must’ve been facing. To realize he rejected the very man he had spent the last few years following, learning from, loving? I don’t want you to miss this detail – the beginning of the passage says verse 55, “And when they had kindled a fire in the middle of the courtyard and sat down together, Peter sat down among them.”

What does this add to the story? Seemingly nothing. Why did Luke add this detail of sitting around the fire?

Let’s fast-forward to John 21:4-17 when Jesus went to see his disciples after he was resurrected.

4 Just as day was breaking, Jesus stood on the shore; yet the disciples did not know that it was Jesus. 5 Jesus said to them, “Children, do you have any fish?” They answered him, “No.” 6 He said to them, “Cast the net on the right side of the boat, and you will find some.” So they cast it, and now they were not able to haul it in, because of the quantity of fish. 7 That disciple whom Jesus loved therefore said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his outer garment, for he was stripped for work, and threw himself into the sea. 8 The other disciples came in the boat, dragging the net full of fish, for they were not far from the land, but about a hundred yards[a] off.

9 When they got out on land, they saw a charcoal fire in place, with fish laid out on it, and bread. 10 Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish that you have just caught.” 11 So Simon Peter went aboard and hauled the net ashore, full of large fish, 153 of them. And although there were so many, the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast.” Now none of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13 Jesus came and took the bread and gave it to them, and so with the fish. 14 This was now the third time that Jesus was revealed to the disciples after he was raised from the dead.

15 When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” 16 He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” 17 He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.

When Peter had the opportunity to see Jesus again, he couldn’t wait. He jumped into the water and swam to him rather than waiting a few extra minutes for the boat. John even makes the note to say the boat was not far from land, it wouldn’t take that long to paddle in. But Peter couldn’t miss this opportunity to be with his savior again. The shame and guilt had been eating away at him, and he thought he lost Jesus forever.

But did you catch that next verse? Once the disciples came to the land, they saw Jesus had prepared a fire. While sitting by the fire, Jesus asked Peter three times if he loved him. Three times Peter told Jesus that he did. Jesus wanted to rewrite the memory that Peter had of the night of his death – when Peter was at that spot by the fire again but denied Jesus three times. Jesus saw and understood the deep shame and guilt Peter had after denying him. When Peter thought of Jesus, Jesus didn’t want him to think of how he denied him. He wanted to rewrite that memory. He wanted to give Peter the opportunity to profess his love for him again. When Peter thought of Jesus, Jesus wanted Peter to think of love.

That is the kindness of our father. Even when we do something to hurt him, he cares so much for us that he wants to rewrite the memory for us, and gives us the opportunity to repent and change. Jesus had every right to be angry at Peter, instead, he was concerned with his downcast spirit. He didn’t care that Peter denied him three times – he knew Peter deeply regretted it – he just cared that Peter knew he loved him. His thoughts are precious towards us friends. The Lord is deeply kind to us. The Lord wants to rewrite some of those memories of guilt and shame that you have. More than anything, the Lord wants you to know that he loves you.

The last thing I want to point out in this psalm is in verses 13-16.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

Friend, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. You are the Lord’s prized creation. In his book, your days were already written. When he looks at you, he sees his beloved child.

For one, this makes me feel convicted in the way I treat my body. When I am three glasses of wine deep to try to block out the thoughts in my head, or overindulging in food, media, whatever it is – am I treating myself as a fearfully and wonderfully made, cherished creation of the King? God gave me a healthy, beautiful body and I need to treat myself with respect. I need to respect the little girl that God so carefully crafted and blew life into.

This is the other thing I think of –

A few years ago, I was at that place again where I was grappling with the darkness of anxiety and depression I know all too well. What a lot of people don’t realize is that when you have anxiety, it often isn’t just anxiety. It’s anxiety and addiction. It’s anxiety and body dysmorphia. It’s anxiety and an eating disorder.

I was in a place of deep insecurity. I don’t know if it was body dysmorphia. I was hardly eating and there was no weight to lose, though I found other ways to criticize my body. I mostly hated my face, my personality – who I was overall.

I would never leave the house without doing my makeup. I feared when I walked through the grocery store, everyone was looking at me thinking how ugly I looked.

I was processing through these thoughts one morning while I was doing my makeup in the bathroom. I remember being so frustrated with myself because I was just trying to put mascara on and I couldn’t stop crying and my hand wouldn’t stop shaking and I just kept getting mascara all over my face and I couldn’t understand what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t just feel okay, that I couldn’t just be a normal person.

It was then my dad walked into my bathroom, seeing me crying and shaking with tears and mascara all over my face. He asked me what was wrong. I told him I hated myself. I told him I didn’t feel pretty, I didn’t even feel okay. I told him I was exhausted from trying so hard to be okay and that I didn’t want to be me anymore. And then I crumbled to the floor. My father’s heart broke as he crumbled to the floor with me. He held me and wept with me. He told me “Your brain is just sick. You are okay.” He replaced my words with truth – that I was a child of God and so dearly loved. That I am beautiful. He promised this too would pass.

And it did. I haven’t experienced deep insecurity like that again. But I think about that moment a lot. While my dad’s heart was breaking for me, how much more was my heavenly father’s heart breaking. He created me. He knit me together in my mother’s womb. He knew me and loved me before I even existed. I am his prized creation. Like a craftsman who is proud of his work, he was proud of creating me and found me beautiful.

The Lord isn’t mad at you. He isn’t deeply disappointed in you or out to get you back. He’s out to rewrite the memories of guilt and shame you have. He knows you and he is out to love you. When we make our bed in hell, when we are in the deep pits of anxiety and depression or we’ve messed up so bad and sinned against him that we can’t even bear to come face to face with him – he crumples to the floor with us, holds us, and weeps with us. As he strokes our hair and tells us he loves us and tells us that there will be a day that our guilt, fear, shame, anxiety, and depression will be no more, will be replaced with his perfect glory, he whispers in our ear that we are okay, that we are his beloved child, that we are beautiful. This too shall pass. This too shall pass. This too shall pass…

Friend, quiet your heart to hear him. And receive his love today.